introduction by mogan spock
this week’s gust writer is Ms Donnatona Glassplate, a renowned paleontologist and the editor of the sensual occasional magazien Self Loathing 260 Million Years. Donnatona’s lusterous career has included stints doing stunts, book tester to the Atlantic Inappropriate Children’s Library, and yogi to the yogurt magnate Yen Ygonf, topping the NY Tim’s best seller’s list with Yen Yogurt Ygonf’s Yoga Yogi in Yen Yinutes a Yay. Donnatona lives in a County with her partner, lawn, box, and cushion.
they are not my plants but they are at my mercy the climate is not to their advantage they are what is commonly called house plants, much as a car, no cat that has been domesticated is called a house cat to make the distinction from being a wild cat then a house plant is a plant that does not survive in the wild unless it went to live in the geographical region from which it oringinatees.
the comparizon between a house cat and a house plant is not a fair and equal one i admit, it is a quite good one but not perfect but it will do for now even though it is not perfect.
now i can not tell you if the plants that are in my home are relaxed or tense and i do worry that they be forever on the nervous side. i once knew a ewe like that always thinking the cleaver was around the coroner. the plants could be on the edge at all times the constant worry the anxiety of not knowing that survivul is guaranteede. they plants grow and so they grow and so we accept them as being happy else they would shrink and die. not grow. but as i was sitting there the other night a small voice crept into my head and the voice it said something or other i forget what exactly and then that led to thoughts about my plants and how do they feel really. are they growing trying to get to the outside not raalising in the case of the monstera deliciosa that outside is a dangerous place. deep inside itself it knows that the room is too dry for a tropical plant, a cheese plant ought to be enjoying a bit of humidity, some hot days lounging in the shade, looking for a tree to climb. my plant knows itself but it doesnot know that the window is not a prison wall but a window. onto the world that is icy cold even in summer for a plant that is from Mexico and below. which gives us another clue into the consciousness of this green mass. in space, that is to say, beyond our atmosphere space, the realm beyond the earth’s exosphere, out beyond the one-hundred kilometer from sea-lever mark, there is no up and there is no down because the solar system has no up and down. it just is. the plant, let us call it huargh because that is the name it gave itself when we spoke in my yogas trance, does not see Mexico as below n.america or eourope because it is at one with the universe and it has no up and it has no down it has only all around it and it has sun or no sun and water or no water and company or no company and a tree to climb or no tree to climb or a present state.
the present state can be one of two states for a healthy plant it can be enjoying having a grow or it can be flowering and producing fruit. the latter matter is unknown to me if this is a happy state or anot it must take a lot of grunt to flower but it would appear that is what this plant likes to do because they do do it every year except when they are in an environment that is not good for it. it makes me think the plant is miserable. can not flower in this climate can not be natural and isnot god. imagine if you could not do something that is essential to your instincts unless you went to a place from where your ancestors came from but that you had not the means to travel there. oh my i fear for the sanity of the cheese plant in my living room. whatever can i do to make life easy again to make life not this existence in a parallel universe of perversion.
green house in the garden controlled environment.
in my frequent full fat milk single shot yogas trances i am often ascended to a plain of thot quite beyond that of the average everyday normal person who has not the conspicuous amount of leisure time that someone as advantageous as i has. it is in these extended moments of brief enlightenment that i have consideration for the hardships of the surly among us also including the inanimate known living and inanimate assumed fully static. people, animals, plants, manufactured objects. but let us not categorize, that would categorizably wrong each is their own entity. taek for sample item a and item b. let a be a cactus and b be bitter human. first of all let us establish the differences between a cactus and monstera delicosa we talked to earlier. Echinopsis spachiana is our cactus, also known as the cactus on the windowsill or the cactus. the cactus is a plant who can live a long time without water, food or love unlike the cheese plant who likes to chat more often and needs water and a lot of love but has nowhere to climb to and that is saddening. one has spikey needles allover it and the other is easlily caressed. one is small the other is large, one is less interactive than the other. bot both have been imbued with a soul, either by me or by the world mother nature or by the universe itself. i cannot tell these three things apart, not from the inside. in here i am trapped and the cactus is outside of me unable at this point to communicate directly. no to communicate we must use yogic meditationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. clear the mind, breath in through the nose and out through the cake-hole. close your eyes and try to sense the world around you as you breath in through the nose, hold that breath and count to six, breath out through the mouth. the plants are creeping up on you. keep doing the breathing exercise, deep breath in, hold it, slowly let the breath out keeping your eyes closed and sensing the plants closing in. closing in. don’t open your eyes yet. overcome your fear, the suffocation. what do you think the plants have in store for you? breath in. will they wrap their stems around you and then what? hold that breath and count to six unhurriedly. eyes closed sense the leaves or roots almost touching you, the plant has traversed open space to close in upon you, slowly, measuredly, let the breath out. eyes closed let the plant envelop you and let each succumb to their own fate, one suffocating the other, neither knowing which is triumphant, until the moment at which they ought to have struggled has passed. breath in, hold that breath, and breath out. now return, if you have not been murdered, to breathing normally, eyes closed.
After a short time of breathing normally gradually become aware of the sounds around you and then begin opening your eyes, if you have not been murdered. take a moment to appreciate a moment of calm. If you have been murdered you will soon find yourself decomposing and, depending upon your family’s wishes or matters such as religious beliefs, you could likely find yourself becoming organic matter, plant food. If you were murdered you have joined the plants. If you were not murdered you have continued on as an ape for the time being, but only for a time. It is inevitable that you will become one with the forest.